tales from the hood: the end of the world

This conversation happened sometime last week, considering that it's now so cold out in STL that my nose nearly cracked off this morning during our morning run....

Andrew: AWWWWW MAN!!!! It's so warm outside! I'm definitely going to call off work today!

James: Man, this is like Florida weather, it so warm out here!

Andrew: It's not sssssssupposed to be this warm in January!

Oreido: YA! IT'S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

Andrew: Ya. That whwhwhwhwhat it feel like, don't it?!?!

Oreido: If it's really the end of the world........I love you man.

Andrew: Ya, 'Reido. IIIIIII love you too man.

tales from the hood: plumbing

Andrew: (running out of the locker room in distress) Mamamamamamamamiss G!

Me: Yes, Andrew...slow down.

Andrew: Wawawawawawawhere ddddddid those mmmmmmiddle schoolers go?

Me: They went to their class, why?

Andrew: Ththththththey did something in the locker room! Can't you hear that? Wait....(holds up index finger as if to shush me so I could hear the noise).

Me: Ya. It sounds like running water.

Andrew: Ththththththey did something to that thing where our pee comes out.

Brain Mouth Filter: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Me: Do you mean the urinal?

Andrew: Yuyuyuyuyuyuyuyes! If that's what you call it?! Can I go find them and make them fix it?!

Me: No.

Andrew: (becoming increasingly agitated) Whuwhuwhuwhuwhy?

Me: Well, because I'm sure they don't know that much about plumbing Andrew. Calm down. We will just have to wait until one our male staff members gets to the gym. I will ask him to go into the locker room and check it out. I know you didn't do anything wrong Andrew. I just can't go in there and fix it for you because I can't see you naked. Remember? I'm a girl.

Andrew: Oh. Ya. IIIIIIIIIIII understand you now G. (calmly walks back into the lockeroom)

tales from the hood: betsy bada##

Every school year since I've been in the hood, I seem to acquire some kind of nickname. My call sign*, if you will, bestowed upon me by my students. Some of the more creative or colorful ones have been Miss Bogus and Stupid Fat-a## White B@$%*. Last week, I received the best one to date. I was teaching a lesson on patriarchal societies. The students were debating whether or not we live in a patriarchal society today. At the end of one of my class periods, the following conversation ensued....

Oreasha: Miss G, you got any kids?

Me: No

Oreasha: You married?

Me: No

Oreasha: You got a man taking care of you?

Me: Nope

Oreasha: So, you could say you are the head of your household right?

Me: Yes, Oreasha. I am the wage earner in my household, I pay all the bills, and I make all the decisions in my home. If something breaks, I have to fix it, or figure out how to get it fixed. If I run out of money, I'm it. I have to figure out a way to earn more to cover my expenses.

Oreasha: Miss G, you're like a single mom without the kids.

Darius: Ya, she's bad. She's Betsy, Betsy Bada##.

Me: (Laughing and shaking my head) Yes, Oreasha, you could say that. That is an interesting perspective. Darius, I am going to correct you on your language, but I can't even pretend to be aggravated with you for that comment....I have to admit, that one was good.

*I secretly imagine that I am an Navy pilot like Goose or Maverick, only I have slightly more derogatory names written on the side of my helmet/plane. Also, it would be slightly more embarrassing for my wing man to yell out my call sign as we high-five before I slide into the cock pit.

tales from the hood: my moment

I have been M.I.A. from the blogosphere as of late...been busy with work, training, and life in general. I have a back up of race reports (including a half marathon PR...yipee!), so I will post an update after I get home from the race in Arkansas on Saturday. In the mean time, I will provide you with a wee little tale from the hood from a few weeks ago. I call it "My moment in the sun."

Me: Okay, everyone it looks like we've run out of time for today. Please put your folders on the table. Make sure you give me my pencils back because I don't have any more! Thank you for your attention today, you all did a great job.

Tez: G, why you thankin' us?

Me: I feel that your hard work should be recognized. I think you did a great job staying on task today, so I wanted to say thank you.

Tez: G, we should be thanking you for teaching us and helping us learn. You shouldn't be thanking us.

Brain Mouth Filter (dream sequence style): (The ceiling split open and the roof blew off the building. Angels started singing "AHHHHHHAHHHHHHAHHHHAAAAAHHH!" Heavenly lights were shining brightly and doves came flying out in fluttering waves.)

Nique: A## kisser.

Me: SHHHUUUUSHHHHHH Nique! Give me my moment.

tales from the hood: hi, I'm yellow.

Logic...it's a tricky thing. What makes TOTAL sense to one person may seem completely unhinged to others. Most of my friends have heard this story before. It happened the year we started the program. One of our few female students at the time, Satin, had been sent to the front office for some kind of problem. I happened to be sitting in the isolation room with several other students during my duty time. She came storming into the office, and this is the conversation that ensued.

Satin (yelling at our security guy, Silas): I HATE THESE MOTHER @#$%IN STUPID-!@@ WHITE B*#$&ES!

Me (leaning out the door and speaking her to her down the hallway): Ah, excuse me Miss Satin, I HOPE, you are not talking about me! Do you want to rephrase that?

Satin: Oh, I wasn't talkin' about you Miss G. You're not white, you're biracial*.

Me: Oh, really?!

Silas: Ah, did you know that you were part black?

Me: Honey, last I checked, both my parents were still white, but I better make a phone call to see if anything has changed.

*I have been called white, pink, and yellow, depending on how they feel about me at the moment. If they like me, I'm biracial. If they hate me, I'm white. Sadly, they have had so many negative experiences with people who are white, they can't bear to recognize that not ALL white people are evil and are racist....so they classify me as anything but white to fit their logic.

tales from the hood: the proposal

In a previous post, I mentioned that I am sexually harassed on an almost daily (sometimes hourly) basis. It kind of comes with the territory when working with mostly teenage boys with behavior issues. I will spare you the gory details of most of my encounters, but this one is worth repeating publicly. Most of my friends have heard this story already since it happened last year...

The "guilty" party is a 6'5" goofball named Jeremy. Jeremy is rarely ever serious and he rarely ever sits still. His harassing comments usually make my stomach turn, but this conversation was pretty funny.

Jeremy: Miss G, why did you break up with your boyfriend?

Me: Jeremy, it just didn't work out.

Jeremy: Did he cheat on you?

Me: Jeremy, no. Just let it go.

Jeremy: Did he beat you?


Me: Jeremy no. Again, let it go.

Jeremy: I bet he looks like a pirate.

Me: Ah, no. Last I checked, he doesn't own a parrot and still has all his appendages.

Jeremy: I'll marry you Miss G. I'll treat you real nice.

Me: Ew, Jeremy...no.

Jeremy: WHY NOT????!!!

Me: A: I'm not Mary Kay Letourneau, and B: Ew.

Ebony: Oooooo! G, if you let us dress you up, we'd take you out into the hood, and you'd find yourself a man right quick! Guys in our hood would think you real fine!

Me: Ah, no.

Jeremy: G, you wait. Give me a coupla years. When I graduate, we'll get married.

Me: Ah, no. However, I like that you are thinking about getting to graduation.

Jeremy: You just wait G. We'll go to Baltimore for the honeymoon.

Me: Hmmmm...sounds romantic Jeremy, but don't hold your breath.

tales from the hood: brain-mouth filter

Today's installment is about this little thing we like to call the "brain-mouth filter." This magical device is situated inside our brains and it keeps the things that are going on inside our heads from coming out of our mouths. The adults* in our program actively use this device on a daily basis. Oh, what our mouths would like to say, but our trusty brain-mouth filter brings to a screeching halt. Here are some examples:

Example 1
Me: Tez, what do you call the part of your body attached to your ankle?

Tez: (eye roll) Aw man G, that's easy! It's my foot.

Me: Okay, good. Now, what do you call both of the body parts attached to your ankles.

Tez: Feets!

Brain-Mouth Filter: Oh' sweet Jesus help me not lose it!

Me: Tez, the word is feet. F-E-E-T. There isn't an "S" on the end of that word. Now you try.

Tez: Feets!

Brain-Mouth Filter: (sigh) *#$@!

Me: No, Tez. Let's try this again. One of those body parts is called a "foot" (I write it on the board). Some words, when you make them plural, or more than one, you DON'T add "S" to them. You need to change the spelling of the word to make them plural. The word "foot" is one of them. You have to change the two o's to two e's. More than one foot is said "feet" (I write it on the board). Now, you try.

Tez: Feets!

Brain-Mouth Filter: Stupid, stupid, stupid English language (bang head against wall)!

Me: Forget it Tez, it's okay. We'll try again later.**

Example 2

Me: Darius, please don't start undressing until you get into the locker room. I don't need to see that much of you.

Brain-Mouth Filter: Nor do I want to....

Darius: Aw man Miss G, it's not like you haven't see it before!

Me: That may be true Darius, but I did not ask to see your bare chest, so please put your shirt back on until you get into the locker room (he puts his shirt back on). Thank you Darius.

Brain Mouth Filter: You are sooooo going to get arrested for indecent exposure at some point in your life!

Darius (from the inside of the locker room): MAN! I hate getting dressed in here. It's so claustrophobic up in here. We can't get dressed out there because someone doesn't want to see my giant WIENER!

Me (yelling from outside the locker room): No thanks! I appreciate you saving me from that experience! Good vocabulary though...nice use of claustrophobic!

Brain Mouth Filter: (hilarious laughter) He did NOT just say wiener!?!


And lastly....

I came home from work today to find this flyer in my mailbox. Yup, that's right. Handguns and Rice Krispies my friends. Now, my students can Snap, Crackle, and "Pop" each other over their breakfast cereal! For crying out loud, what is this world coming to?!

*We try to teach the students to use this device too, but they haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. It's an uphill battle. It doesn't stop us from trying though.
**Tez is a 9th grader that came to us mid-year last year. We have had this conversation many, many,(sigh), many times.

tales from the hood

I've decided to start a new blog series about convos I have with my students. I *heart* them and I hope you find them as entertaining as I do. Today's installment happened today...and it just happens to be about running.

Andrew: Aw, maaaaaan! I hope we don't have to run outside today for P.E. It's raining and I just had my braids re-done.

Me: Come on Andrew! It's not that bad. I ran in the rain this morning! It can be fun!

Julia: Did you run a marathon?

Me: No, Julia I just ran 3 miles. I would have to get up at 2 a.m. to run a marathon before work.

Andrew: Doesn't your hair get ruined in the rain?

Me: No, my hair is different than yours.

Andrew: Oh. G, how long is a marathon?

Me: 26.2 miles

Andrew: Aw.....HEEELLLLL NO!

Bijon: Whoa.

Me: Andrew, language.

Andrew: I I I I I'm sorry G, my bad. (Andrew stutters horribly when he gets excited). What's the longest you've ever run?

Me: 26.2 miles

Andrew: Is is is is tttthat like from here to Alton?

Me: No. It's farther.

Julia, Andrew, and Bijon: AWWWWW....HELLLLL NO!

Me: Language.

Andrew: Ssssorry G. Sssso how far is it then?

Me: It would be about the same as running to the mall from here...

Andrew: NO WAY!!! G, THAT'S CRAZY!!!

Me: Wait, Andrew...I didn't finish. It's like running from here to the mall AND back...plus a few more blocks.

Andrew: AND BBBBACK? Oh, no. Oh no. Oh no. I could never do that G. You're going to live forever G.